||[Apr. 10th, 2005|10:17 pm]
The night this was taken was one of the best times I had in Paris. I'm not sure why I wanted to put up this picture, but I remember the mindset I had that night was just so utterly relaxed and content. I remember lying around on the grass with Julia, Max, Helyne, Megan and Steph and taking in the view as the entire castle was lit by hundreds of candles, one by one.
I've been thinking a lot about the age of innocence and trying to find out when mine began and ended. I suppose it begins when you're born and goes through childhood, like when you still think the word "gay" only means "happy". I wish mine had gone on longer. Somewhere down the line, I became disillusioned and jaded. I know it can't be blamed on one person, but at times like now, I have the urge to. I hate Sean. Those of you who know me, know that I don't hate people, at most I strongly dislike them. I hate him for what he did to me and I hate myself for letting his actions affect the way I was after, and still am today. I never wanted to admit to anyone what happened and I still can't be honest with myself about it.
Today, I thought about how certain people were when I first met them and how they've changed over the years. I guess reflecting on that, its so sad that innocence can never be regained- once its lost, its gone. When I first met Mic, heh, he was two years older than I was and I was still more fucked up than him. And now, the tables have certainly turned. I like him just as much now as I do then, but sometimes when I look at him, I remember how he was when we first met and its enough to make a person want to cry. I wonder if people ever think that when they look at me.
I'm happy with who I am now, I really am. But if given the opportunity to go back for a day or two, I most definitely would. I'd go back to Chateaugay and I'd be 12 years old and stuck in that darkroom for 4 hours a day with David and Ben, listening to Wilco and enjoying David's rants about how he's allergic to Dave Matthews. I forgot how much I missed David until I went out to Minnesota and I swear I'd marry than man if he wasn't the closest guy I have to a brother. He's the only person who I truly adore and have always looked up to who has watched me grow into who I am today. I wish Keith had been able to and I regret losing contact with him every day. After that summer, he typed me a letter (on a typewriter- old school) and made me a mix tape, both of which I kept. That was the first time I listened to Nick Drake, so now every night when I listen to "Pink Moon" while I go to sleep, I remember him. Its quite a nice arrangement.
What the hell happened to me? Maybe I can blame politics- politics make everyone a little bit more bitter and angrier at the world. After I met David, I knew what I wanted to do and what would make me happy. I have no idea why I let go of that dream. I sold out to another concept that didn't even exist yet. Maybe I'll run away to Duluth and we can be starving artists together.
Haha, after looking back at what I just wrote, it is so true that I've always been drawn to older men. Go figure.
Not sure what the point of this was. I just think it would be funny to go back to the days where you considered BBMak to be "quality" music and if you ate 3 packages of dinosaur shaped fruit snacks, so much the better.
What's something you miss?