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the end [Apr. 21st, 2005|04:39 pm]
like all good things, this must end. after re-reading many of my old entries as far back at 2003, i've come to the conclusion that this blog must die. i'm in the process of making a new one, so unless i friend you or something, adieu.
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happy 420!!! [Apr. 20th, 2005|06:50 pm]
[mood |sillysilly]

I have to admit, seeing a good portion of the class completely baked throughout the day was somewhat hilarious.

I hate not working hard. I don't mind not working at all, but when I do work, I like to be able to do a very thorough job and get a lot out of it. Today, a certain English teacher gave me a paper back, on which I got an A-. Now, I spent maybe an hour, the night before it was due, around 1 am. So if I can get away with doing jack shit and still receive a good grade, where's the motivation to work? There isn't any. And since there isn't any motivation to work, I get along by writing Zeljo maybe 2 paragraphs about why I think the book on modern Confucianism is complete crap. Satisfying, yes. Rewarding, no. Am I that weird to look forward to college so I can be intellectually challenged again? I put more effort into the daily crossword puzzle than I do into any of my classes. And on top of shitty school, I have developed allergies.

On a very happy note... 6 more days til freedom... By next Friday, school is OUT.

~ toole
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opinions needed [Apr. 19th, 2005|06:54 pm]

Graduation dress (?)            Prom dress (?)

In other news, the new Pope freaks me out. I know he's German, but he kinda has that Nazi thing going on. Either that or he looks like Uncle Lester from the Adam's Family- but with hair.

I'm thinking about going "friends only" on my blog. Just seems easier, and then I can be as honest as I want without worrying.

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ow ow ow [Apr. 16th, 2005|10:06 pm]
[mood |soresore]

To give you an idea of how much physical pain I am in right now, it hurts my fingers to be typing this. Probably because my thumb nail got chipped off within the first 10 minutes of arriving in Phili. And it took me whole minutes to get out of the car at the rest stop.

Jesus, I can't remember the last time I hurt so much. I'd take a bath, but I probably won't be able to get out of the tub.

Between Jody "whoring" out Morgan and I (and by "whoring", I mean "sending the girls to sell wristbands to an all-male team") and spending 20 minutes on gamepoint of the last match (which lasted over 2 hours), I'd say I'm pretty spent.
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damn [Apr. 15th, 2005|11:40 pm]
[mood |chipperchipper]

It is really hard to choose between the thing you SHOULD do and the thing you WANT to do. Thanks to my friends for helping me get through this week... it's been rough, as all of you know.

PHILADELPHIA TOMORROW!!! It's gonna be awesome and we are gonna get our asses kicked. Damn straight.

Adam- if I hear "that shit is bananas" at ALL tomorrow, I will kill you. In the most loving way possible, of course.

Quote of the day: (after Jody tells a story about a kid who believed that trees produce wind)
"Come on, it's just one of those things that everyone knows. Like, everyone knows the words to "Hotel California" and everyone knows that wind comes from trees."
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happy day of silence! [Apr. 13th, 2005|06:51 pm]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

Day of Silence went well, I only had to smack one person during the day and incredibly- it wasn't Jon! Frisbee practice was so much fun, I'm not sure why, but it probably had to do with that it was GORGEOUS outside and I haven't been out in a week. I need to get one of those kickass wristbands. I also discovered to my dismay, that HFStival will be out of the question because its in Baltimore. Pity, because if it were still at RFK, I could make it back in time for prom. Oh! Greg got tickets to see Bloc Party in June... so excited...

If only there wasn't something still bugging me in the back of my mind. Don't you hate that?

Weekend Schedule for the next FIVE WEEKS!!!
4/16: Phili (?)
4/23: Passover
4/30: Mother-Daughter Dinner/Show
5/14: Prom

Jesus, I'm getting exhausted by just looking at it.

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this is me being completely honest about how i feel (in yiddish) [Apr. 12th, 2005|08:00 pm]
Er zein momzer. Trutroi? Erlechkeit? Bashaimperlech, nit! Er zogen ligent, azoi er velen me fargeben et fargesen. I darfen varfen oifen mark er, ober I liben er. I nit shtark genug!
*&$#)*%&$@%)&*$)*%^$)*% (that's not yiddish)

Meglech I er hargenen.
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meaningless ramble [Apr. 10th, 2005|10:17 pm]
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The night this was taken was one of the best times I had in Paris. I'm not sure why I wanted to put up this picture, but I remember the mindset I had that night was just so utterly relaxed and content. I remember lying around on the grass with Julia, Max, Helyne, Megan and Steph and taking in the view as the entire castle was lit by hundreds of candles, one by one.

I've been thinking a lot about the age of innocence and trying to find out when mine began and ended. I suppose it begins when you're born and goes through childhood, like when you still think the word "gay" only means "happy". I wish mine had gone on longer. Somewhere down the line, I became disillusioned and jaded. I know it can't be blamed on one person, but at times like now, I have the urge to. I hate Sean. Those of you who know me, know that I don't hate people, at most I strongly dislike them. I hate him for what he did to me and I hate myself for letting his actions affect the way I was after, and still am today. I never wanted to admit to anyone what happened and I still can't be honest with myself about it.

Today, I thought about how certain people were when I first met them and how they've changed over the years. I guess reflecting on that, its so sad that innocence can never be regained- once its lost, its gone. When I first met Mic, heh, he was two years older than I was and I was still more fucked up than him. And now, the tables have certainly turned. I like him just as much now as I do then, but sometimes when I look at him, I remember how he was when we first met and its enough to make a person want to cry. I wonder if people ever think that when they look at me.

I'm happy with who I am now, I really am. But if given the opportunity to go back for a day or two, I most definitely would. I'd go back to Chateaugay and I'd be 12 years old and stuck in that darkroom for 4 hours a day with David and Ben, listening to Wilco and enjoying David's rants about how he's allergic to Dave Matthews. I forgot how much I missed David until I went out to Minnesota and I swear I'd marry than man if he wasn't the closest guy I have to a brother. He's the only person who I truly adore and have always looked up to who has watched me grow into who I am today. I wish Keith had been able to and I regret losing contact with him every day. After that summer, he typed me a letter (on a typewriter- old school) and made me a mix tape, both of which I kept. That was the first time I listened to Nick Drake, so now every night when I listen to "Pink Moon" while I go to sleep, I remember him. Its quite a nice arrangement.

What the hell happened to me? Maybe I can blame politics- politics make everyone a little bit more bitter and angrier at the world. After I met David, I knew what I wanted to do and what would make me happy. I have no idea why I let go of that dream. I sold out to another concept that didn't even exist yet. Maybe I'll run away to Duluth and we can be starving artists together.

Haha, after looking back at what I just wrote, it is so true that I've always been drawn to older men. Go figure.

Not sure what the point of this was. I just think it would be funny to go back to the days where you considered BBMak to be "quality" music and if you ate 3 packages of dinosaur shaped fruit snacks, so much the better.

What's something you miss?
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this is it [Apr. 9th, 2005|12:30 pm]
[mood |contentcontent]

I've found my remedy. Every time something drastic happens or is about to happen, I get the impulse to chop off my hair.

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heh heh [Apr. 8th, 2005|01:29 pm]
oh... the irony.

this is going to give me a trusting complex for years. one hell of a prize indeed.
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